Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Don't be scared. I've done this before.

Ok.  I know a fella that may or may not be a serial killer / pedophile.  Being that I am pretty much a detective, I should know.  Today I heard him whisper.  I was immediately compelled to conference call Chris Hansen and John Walsh to get them in on this shiz.  The whispering was just the icing on the cake.  If you don't share my detective skills, here are a list of things to need to look for to identify these creepers:

Yes, it begins with the glasses. Beware of transition glasses, too.
  • The clothes. The garb is crucial to identifying pervs. If they wear police issued cargo pants but have never been a police officer; if they wear draw string pants; if they wear pants without a belt and the shirt tucked in - get out your mace and lock up your chillren.
  • The awkward stare. If he/she makes awkward eye contact for a little too long, run. He/she is thinking of ways to kill you and make a body suit of your skin.
  • Shoes: You know the shoes when you see them. They are usually worn in combination with white socks that hit above the ankle. Or black socks with with jorts.
  • Men that whisper. There is nothing sexy about a man that whispers.
  • Awkward giggles. Especially if it is a man that is giggling.
  • European teeth on Americans. Americans who are not and have never been meth heads.
Facial hair is not always a must. This video just makes me giggle.

Now that list held only a few secrets to ID-ing creepers, perv, etc. You'll know it when you see it. Hopefully.

As I've mentioned before, I work with a bunch of chicks.  I'm one of the youngest there and pretty much the only one that doesn't have any chillrens (thank you, sweet baby Jesus).  One of the girls in my department IS pregnant so today I foolishly decided to ask about child birth.  What did I learn?  That shiz is fucking s-i-c-k.  First and foremost, it weirds me out there is a BABY inside of your stomach.  Like a real life baby.  It kicks and moves.  It pees and shadoobs. Not in a diaper.  In your lady biz.  I guess I have just ever really thought about it before.  Ew.  Your baby craps inside of you.  That just makes me uneasy.  Want to know something else?  THEY OPEN THEIR EYES.  I was under the impression that, much like puppies or kitties, they aren't born with their eyes open.  Wrong.  Super wrong and super gross.  What do you think they are looking at? Agh.  This weirds me out so much.  I liked life a lot more when I thought that babies were delivered by storks.

Clearly I'm not ready for chillrens anytime soon.  Sorry mom and dad.  I promise I'm not a lesbian.

Hope everyone had a beautiful Wednesday.  Show me your teeth.

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