dun dun duuuuun.

This may be my last post ever.

Before you freak out and wonder how your life will go on, let me tell you I have no plans on stopping  but if I blow my arms off and/or burn my house down after this weekend it will be a little hard to continue.

I've decided to bake this weekend.  I've decided that my cooking skills are to be put on hold while I attempt to join the ranks of holiday bakers world wide.  I'm going to be making sugar cookies decorated with royal icing.  From scratch.  All of it.  Alton Brown listed these recipes as "easy" and if he lied he may or may not be getting a strongly worded letter.  {Again, this all depends on whether or not I blow my arms off.}

I be-bopped across the street to Bed, Bath and Beyond for a hand mixer.  There were about a thousand.  I chose the cheapest one because, amongst other things, I have a sneaking suspicion that this contraption will be used this weekend and this weekend only.  I also bought a sifter.  It's fucking adorable and I kind of felt Amish while I was testing it in line.  I have no idea why I felt this way.  I also got a strong urge to churn butter.  One step at a time, Shannon, one step at a time.  After work, I went to Kroger and headed straight to the baking isle.  It was a foreign land to me.  A few things I learned:
1.  Baking powder and baking soda are NOT the same.
2.  There are a lot of different choices.  For everything.  Flour and sugar included.
3.  While my mom enjoys helping me make the distinction between all these items, I think she likes making fun of me at the same time.

While I type this post and when I'm cleaning my kitchen to prepare it for the onslaught of yumminess that will be taking place in a matter of hours, I decided to watch the foodnetwork to get in the mood.  Mistake.  Rachel Ray is on.  She's really annoying.  R - squared has a tendency to do the Ann Curry whisper/raspy voice that I'm not too fond of.  Plus she says really stupid shit.  Like this stuff is so stupid that I will judge the hell out of you if you even crack a smile at her jokes.  Example:  RR threw some salt over her shoulder for luck and said:  "Why does pepper never get thrown over your shoulder.  Poor pepper, I bet he feels left out."  You, sir, are an idiot.

Time to focus.  And decorate for Christmas.  And do Christmas cards.  Yes, it's December 17th and I haven't started any of this.  OR Christmas shopping.  Something tells me I will regret this decision tomorrow.  Stay tuned for pictures.  Don't worry, I have 911 on speed dial.  Hopefully, if things DO take a turn for the worst, some of these fellas will come to my rescue.

You win. You always do.

Hi-dy ho boys and girls.  I hope you all had a good weekend.  As I told you in my last post, I decided to take a little road trip up to Nashville this past weekend.  As per usual, the 615 and I went toe to toe.  I'm fairly certain that Nashville won but let's tally the score:

I arrived around 8ish Friday night.  {Side note:  day light savings time sucks balls.  Having to drive the entire trip in the dark was freaking Snooze-ville, USA.}  Taylor and I stopped at a McDonald's to wait for Nashville to come pick me up.  We go inside where I immediately notice the plethora of thugs and that all the tv's are speaking Spanish.  I can handle this.  I'm from Memphis.  I get cat-called whilst walking to the pisser and ogled the entire 20 minutes we are there.  Maybe they don't grow them like me off of exit 6.  One point to me.
615:  0  Shannon: 1
We decide to go to Losers - a fun little bar in the midtown area?  Let me tell you something, dear friends.  Nashville looooves it's mustaches.  My little heart skipped a beat with each passing fu manchu.  I had to pet on fella's mustache because it was so luscious.  {Yup.  I'm fully aware of how creepy this sounds.  And please believe me that it was 100% creepier than you think.}  Let's blame this move on the rumplemintz. Clearly the 615 takes the win here.
615: 1  Shannon: 1
We head to bar numero dos {Red Bar, I believe}.  Things were going fine.  I saw this one little nugget who was wearing the biggest, most ridiculously blinged out watch I'd ever seen in my life.  Of course I had to mock him.  Mocking lead to him spilling some lines about how he's Lebron James' PR guy.  Lies.  Anyway, 3 o'clock comes along and my new homegirl Jagoda and I realize that Nashville, our ride, has decided to flee the scene with a stranger nick-named Dave Mraz due to his uncanny resemblance to Dave Matthews and Mr. to the AZ.  Being the resourceful ladies that we are, Jagoda and I start looking around for landmarks and realize that we are by a SPACESHIP.  Nashville finally comes to our rescue - probably because she found the spaceship - and we make it home.  The city takes another win with this one.  The architectural beauty may be the only reason Jagoda and I did not wind up on the back of a milk carton or on Dateline.

So maybe it doesn't look like a spaceship...

615: 2  Shannon: 1

In my hurry to find my pj's and make my way to bed I had a run in with the door.  Actually, my foot had a run in with the door.  The door won.  My toe?  Well, it's now broken.  This calls for 1 point to the 615 and - 1 point for me.

615:  3  Shannon: 0

Saturday:  I drank too much rumple, fancy that, and spent the majority of the day watching Harry Potter.  Before round 2 I had to go get some flats {though they are cute, I loathe them.  Flats are not my friend}. My body is not physically prepared for another night on the town - especially since Nashville had to make jello shots and got moonshine for the birthday party we were supposed to attend.  I put my party panties on and went along for the ride.  Looking back, I should have stayed home.

Jello shots, moonshine and fireball were a-flowing at the party.  We head downtown {jello and fireball in purses, of course}.  Before we go into Miss Kelly's the bouncer makes me show him the contents of my purse.  The Meathead finds not one, not two - not even three or four but NINE jello shots in my purse.  Naturally I step outside and throw them to anyone that looks like someone I know.  Meathead is not pleased.  He shames the shiiiiiit out of me but I dance my way back to the bar.  I'm giving myself one point for my ability to share and the city gets one for le shame.
615: 4  Shannon: 1


Things start to get a little fuzzy.  Here's what I know:  rumplemintz, whiskey, jello, water {see, I'm responsible}, dancing, schooling some silly boys in the ghetto ways of Coolio, strip club {no need for extra shame here... I got this}, penis tattoo {real life}, closing time?, SEVENTY FIVE DOLLAR cab ride home, getting lost in the apartment complex, sleep?  If I added this correctly that's 8 for the 615 and 2 for me.  I'm taking one of my points away for going to a strip club.  That's fucking gross.
615: 12  Shannon:2


Did I mention that I left my phone in the cab?  Or that someone stepped on my broken toe and I wanted to punch them in the genitals and projectile vomit in their face all at the same time?  Yup.  Sunday morning was rough.  REAL rough.  I had to find Nashville to use her phone because I didn't know what time my ride was coming through.  I don't know my ride's number.  Enter panic attack.  Through some handy facebooking I found my ride's number but his phone was dead.  Seriously - PANIC attack.  I was positive that I was going to have to take a greyhound home and that I was going to be forced to sit next to a crackhead whose hygiene is sub par.  They'd probably be eating curry.  Or squirrel.  Maybe possum.  Cut to 6 hours after my first attempt to get in touch with my ride.  We finally leave the city limits around 6 and make it to Memphis after what feels like an eternity.  Cashville
615:  32  Shannon:  7

I went and got my new phone today and talked to man out of making me pay for my $120 new contract fee.  How?  I borrowed crutches and gimped in there and made him feel so badly about my weekend that he would do anything to make me happy.  $150 later I have a new phone, all my contacts and a little pep in my walk... er... limp?  That's 120 to me 150 to them.
615:  182  Shannon:  127


There are a few other stories that I won't mention.  I'd like to keep what little dignity I have left over.  I say I put up a pretty solid fight.  See you next time, Nashville... keep it classy.

Captain Ron IS America.

HAPPY ALMOST FRIDAY!

Also, happy veterans day.  I'm so proud to be an American it's almost disgusting.  I'd wear a red, white and blue fanny pack with an American eagle perched on the shoulder of my American flag black t-shirt on top of my camo pants if I had them.  Unfortunately, I don't have any of these items.  {Note to self: invest in these gems before the 4th of July.}

I wish I could tell you that I've done something productive with my day off but I have the attention span of a small child.  Or a fly.  Take your pick.  I went and had a delicious lunch at Holiday Ham with my wonderful mother.  I then came home and pretended to clean.  Pretending to clean takes a lot out of a person.  I had to try to fix my speakers so I could have a dance/clean party but it seems they are to be added to my fallen soldier list from last weekend.  Gracie came over with the two little girls she picks up from school and I got to play "Try to get me" / tag with one of my favorite kids ever - Gracie and I have given her the nickname of Poofer Fries McNugget.  She doesn't like it but she also doesn't have a choice.  Poofer can count to ten in Russian.  I know, impressive.  I struggle with counting in English.

I finally found my camera chord.  It was in my overnight bag.  Proof positive that I need to get out of town more often.  Anyway, here are the pictures I have promised you.

My yummy brunch for my family

Mom made me take the spatula off for a legit pic

Aren't they just the cutest things you ever did see?

I may know how to cook but jello shots are my specialty

Proof jello shots are my thing

I don't know if you can see this BUT she's wearing a mustache.

I'm so excited that it's almost the weekend I can hardly stand it.  I've decided to make a trip up to my second favorite city in the grand ol' state of Tennessee: Nashville.  I made this decision yesterday... so clearly it's been planned for quite some time.  I am in desperate need of a getaway.  I'm going to be staying with Nashville and only horrible awesome things can happen.  Or so I thought before she informed me that jello shots were going to be involved.  It may be about two or three weeks too soon alas, these are the struggles I must endure.

I have something to share with you.  I have, apparently, acquired a boyfriend - completely unbeknownst to me.  I know you must be thinking, "Wow, Shannon has mad game!"  And you - dear readers - are sadly mistaken.  My new boyfriend is Captain Ron.  Would you like to know some more about this elusive one eyed character?  I thought so...

The Down-low on Captain Ron

• His birth name is Michael.  Crazy talk, I tell you.  He is a Ron if I've ever met one.  {He will heretofore be referred to as "Boyfriend" because my neighbors are assholes.}
• Boyfriend will let you me call him "girl" or "girlfriend" without even blinking an eye.  It's like he was born for these absurd terms.
• Boyfriend loves to try to pawn off stray dogs on you.  He will even try to bring them in your house - even after you ask him not to.
• Boyfriend likes to speak in pirate voice.  This is quite fitting since he wears an eye patch, don't ya think?
• Boyfriend has been through quite a bit in his life.  He will tell you all about these stories except for the ONE story everyone needs to know about.
• Boyfriend will not talk about why he wears an eye patch.  This.  Is.  Devestating.
• Boyfriend's job status is unknown.
• While Boyfriend's job status is unknown, he is willing to make you ham.  Proof:

I don't know what he's talking about with the Swine Island Dance Hall but something tells me this love bucket is not playing with a full team upstairs.

I hope all of you have a b-e-a-uuuu-tiful weekend.  I'ma let Lee Greenwood take it home.  America, fuck yeah.

BAH! I'm back!

When I wake up in the morning I do NOT feel like P. Diddy.  Not one bit.  Not.  At.  All.  I'd like to know what Ke$ha does to feel like this hip-hop mogul.  When I wake up, I feel like a shell of a human being until I get caffeine.  I'm like the walking dead.  This morning has been no different.  The only problem is I can't make coffee.  Give me a french press, I know what I'm doing.  With my automatic, however, I can't make a decent cup of coffee to save my life.  Or maybe it's just the machine?  Let's go with that... Anyway thanks, Java Cabana, for being right down the street.  And for having wi-fi.  You are quite the adorable place for me to get my people-watching fix AND my much needed dose of caffeine.


Now, faithful followers, I must offer you my most sincerest of apologies.  Two posts last week is unacceptable.  My life was painfully boring last week.  Though my blog should be immune to such things, it felt the repercussions of my mental dry spell.  There was not enough caffeine in the world to wake me from my boring dream land that was the end of September / beginning of October.  I promise to make it up to each and everyone of you.


Are you sitting in front of your computer asking yourself "Golly, I wonder how Shannon is so lucky to be posting this blog in the middle of the day?"  Well, lovers, today is Columbus Day.  Columbus Day = Federal holiday = paid day off = BOOM SHAKA LAKA.  Now, I don't know - nor do I care - the definite reasons as to why I get to enjoy this beautiful day outside of the confines of my office building.  I'm assuming it has to do with good ol' Christopher but whatevs.  Federal holidays are the icing on the cake of working at a bank.  Scratch that.  They are the icing.  They are the cake.  They are the greatest things in the whole entire world.  A tip of the hat to you, inventor of Federal holidays.  You are my best friend in the whole wide world.


Speaking of best friend in the world, Gracie and I went on a day-cation this weekend.  We traveled to a far away land called Hernando.  It's in this silly little state called "Mississippi."  Have you heard of it?  If not, you aren't missing much.  Also, Gracie's car is a time machine.  Either that or Mississippi is stuck like 20 years behind.  Which one is fact?  Well, the world may never know.  When we finally reached the sweet little town of Hernando, we drove through the town square.  They apparently are very excited about fall down there.  There were scarecrows and bales of hay everywhere.  Maybe this is the way the town is always decorated?!  BAH!  So many questions left unanswered!  Perhaps I should go back?  Unlikely.  Let's pretend I DID travel back in time and that they always decorate with scarecrows, hay and corn stalks.


My plans for today:

1. Find my camera cord so you can see my adventures to the planet of Hernando
2. Maybe brush my hair.
3. Post at least one more blog today.
4. Have lunch with Shana, the Beester, T-Money and Luke.
5. Maybe go to the zoo?

Hope you all have a beautiful day.  Love yooooooou.

Take it easy, baby.

Happy Monday, boys and girls.  Was your day fantastic?  Mine was.  Although I still feel like I got hit by a truck, had all of my limbs removed and then sewn back on Macgyver style.  What is Macgyver style, you ask?  Well, I am not entirely sure.  I imagine that it involves the bones of a crow, three pieces of grape Bubbleyum and pinto beans.  Maybe some invisible ink, too.  Invisible ink is crucial to most situations.


Weekend recap:  I finished my first 5k.  I don't think I really cared about my time for the race's sake.  I really was super anxious to get home and put the finishing touches on my house for the party.  I'm glad I did it and I fully intend on doing it again but I will not, I repeat - WILL NOT - be planning a party for the same day as said race.  That's just silly.  Moving on:  My house warming party was better than I could have ever imagined.  It was a bright and sunny day filled with friends and family and all the jello shots a girl could want.  Seriously.  The jello shots were the best/worst idea I've ever had.  Word on the street is they lasted well into the evening which is impressive given that I was practically shoving them down people's throats.  Including the mailman.  Unfortunately, I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked... I was too busy handing out / taking jello shots?  Yup, the confirmation can be found in my liver.  Or what's left of it.  In other news, I think my taste in men is expanding.  I used to stick to Americana.  Farm raised, corn bred - possibly inbred? - American as Bud light {BEFORE the sell out, naturally}.  I'm going to blame this broadening of my horizons on Bruno Mars and strikingly beautiful men of the same caliber.  And the hot little nugget I met this weekend.


Dream update:  I've stopped dreaming about one of my co-workers.  That's a plus.  Now I can look at him without blushing and imagining him naked.  I'm sure he'll be replaced.  Hopefully with something less embarrassing... I'd settle for someone who isn't married.  The grasshoppers are gone too.  Kat Von D made a cameo last night.  This would be awesome if she didn't scare me.


I have a little venting to do.  Rest assured it's only about silly, trivial things.  If you'd like to skip to the next section of things that I love, love, love... you have my permission.  Here is a list of 5 things that make me want to barf:

1. When people drag their feet, I imagine myself throwing rocks at them.  Or arrows.  Or maybe just tripping them with a big ol' stick.  It's ridiculous and unless you have some physical ailment that prevents you from picking your feet up OFF of the ground (and I'll need to see a doctor's note) then you had better lift those doggies up with each and every step.  Ew.
2. When people are trying to let you know that they've completely changed or something along those lines and they say they have done a "360."  Really?  You changed and then turned back into whatever it is you changed from?  Double ew.
3. Ann Curry.  UGH.  I wish I could pin point the exact time for you when she crawled under my skin and laid her seeds of hate but I can't.  I'm fairly certain she tortures small woodland creatures.  Like baby deer.  Or baby rabbits.  And eats babies for breakfast.  Human babies.  Every time either Meredith or Matt is on vacation I die - especially when they give her some stupid story to talk about and it requires any sort of emotion.  Because she whispers.  About everything.  Triple ew.
4. When you get a shot and it feels like someone knuckle-punched you right in the arm every hour, on the hour, for two whole days.  I got a B12 shot today and it does not feel very pleasant.  AT all.  Quadruple ew.
5. When people don't respond to emails.  My mother is very guilty of this - the most egregious faux pas of. All. Time.  Just answer my email.  Even if it's with a recording of Ann Curry's stupid whisper voice talking about how she's done a 360 on something while she's walking around 30 Rock dragging her feet.  Triple ew plus double ew.

Now on to the things I l-o-v-e today:

1. My friends and family.  After the best house warming party in the history of house warming parties, I have a renewed obsession with each and everyone of you.  I would NOT let Ann Curry eat you or your babies.
2. Reading other people's blogs.  Look at the side of this page... right above my followers and you'll see just a few of the ones I love.  Getting into people's minds and finding out more about them is my idea of a good time.
3. Modern Family.  The season premiere is FINALLY on this week.  When I watch this show I like to imagine that {insert your personal higher power here} was thinking of me in particular when they created this show.
4. Stalking people's status updates.  Yup.  Pretty much every post or link or picture posted brings a little joy to my heart.  Unless, of course, it's sad or depressing or Republican in nature.  That should go without saying.
5. pièce de résistance.... Lady Gaga.  Lady Gaga.  LADY GAGA.  I totally have a big, fat girl crush on her.  I love her.  AND she's going to NASHVILLE.  Baaaaah.  All of my dreams are coming true.

The list of things I love could go on for hours but I must go deep clean my house.  I hope that this week is the best week of your life.  Love you and you and you and yooooou

It's the freakin' weekend

Happy Cooper Young Fest day!


5k:  Check
Shower: Check
Orange and white dress with orange sandals to support my team:  Double check
Breakfast:  Pronto pup (with mustard) and mimosas  - Don't judge me.  Don't even think about it.




ESPN College Game Day just predicted that Florida was going to win.  I hope they are WRONG.  


Go Vols!!!!


My mimosas is empty.  Time for another.

Shots, shots, shots

 A mere 4 hours of work tomorrow then I'm off until Monday.  Can I get an aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen for getting off work early on Fridays?  I can almost taste the weekend.  Tastes like jello, vodka and fried gator.  My to - do list {that I still haven't finished from earlier in the week} is anxiously awaiting to being tackled tomorrow so I won't be having a lot of free time.  I won't be having a lot of free time this weekend period but it will all be worth it.


Gracie came over tonight and helped me make an absurd number of jello shots.  It may be an illegal number.  All I know is we went through 2.5 handles of vodka and approximately 8 billion boxes of jello.  Give or take a box or two.  Here is what my fridge currently looks like:

• Pink lemonade (hidden)
• Half bottle of wine
• One bottle of champagne
• A tad bit of milk
• 3 string cheeses
• Jello shots.  Lots and lots of jello shots.

It's a good thing I don't cook.... otherwise I would have nowhere to put my food.  But who needs nourishment when you have jello shots?  Not this girl, that's fo sho.


I'm so very grateful I don't have to do these tomorrow.  My list is still stupid long.  But that's boring.  Would you like to know what I'm doing the rest of the weekend?  If not, stop reading and have a beautiful weekend.


Saturday morning I have my first 5k.  Hooray.  I have to be there at 7 fucking AM.  Boo, hiss.  Then my mother will be bringing me back home so I can shower, drink mimosas and prepare for Cooper Young fest!  I'm so excited!  It's also going to be my house warming party/ UT vs Florida viewing party.  And all that means is that my friends are coming by and drinking more than is medically advised.  I love a good day drunk.  It makes my heart sing.


If you are in the Memphis area and would like to join the partay head to the Cooper Young fest and look around.  You'll see us.


Nighty night, lovers.  I hope you all have beautiful tomorrows.

Oy.

My moral hangover and lack of adequate sleep this weekend has left me with no other option than to bow out on today's blog.


I know, I'm disappointed in myself too.  Do you need something to get you through the night?  Here it is...

Only Jazz musicians are smokin' marijuana

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend.  My weekend was... well, I was with my parents.  I adore my folks.  I really do.  I enjoy spending time with them.  For the most part.  In case I ever think that a weekend away with JUST the three of us is a good idea, backhand me.  I'm begging you.  There were a few redeeming factors from my weekend:  I learned how to use boats (so a weekend away with my friends is in the works) and it was absolutely beautiful.

Ziggy and Rocky Top were waiting to leave

Much like chillren, they quickly fell asleep

Rocky Top got mad because Ziggy was taking up the whole seat

Finally, we have arrived

View from the back patio... I love this place

I love facebook.  Maybe love isn't the appropriate word.  I have a deep infatuation with facebook.  It provides me with hours and hours of entertainment.  I stalk picture updates.  I love it when people begin and end relationships.  I get a sweet chuckle when people think fighting online is an effective way of proving anything other than just how boring life can truly be.  But what I look forward to most of all are the status updates.  Sometimes it's the little things in life that really make me happy... these are excerpts from real life status updates from two of my FB friends.  The first one makes me giggle.  A lot.

today the houston chronicle informed me that big boobs are in this season... so happy to know I'm fashionable and foloowing trends! since when are boobs out of style anyway?

And this one?  Well... here it is:

... :-( AND so sad I lost my favorite scrunchie somewhere along the way!

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.  First and foremost, I'm trying to be less judgemental of people who choose to use regular emoticons.  But when "noses" are added? Well, that's just plain ridiculous.  Second of all:  People still wear scrunchies?  I don't even know what else to say but if anyone finds my pogs or tamagotchi, please mail me a letter as to the whereabouts of these treasures.




(UPDATE: One of my dearest friends, Hannah, just sent me this text and I simply HAD to post it: "... And in response to the scrunchies: a co-manager at work wear them on a daily basis... In many different colors... Sad, isn't it?")


Time to get my life in order.  I leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Jimmy Buffett with one of my favorite songs of all time.  Until tomorrow, lovers.


smooches.