Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A few things of note

1.  I got an OPI Axxium gel manicure at Nails by Nicole on poplar last Wednesday.  My nails still look perfect.  New obsession.

2.  I am wearing fake eyelashes right now.  Another new obsession.

3.  I really like ketchup.

4.  My life is so boring right now.  I am blaming it on the weather.  I'm going through a nesting period.  What that means for me?  I cook a little.  I crochet a little.  I play angry birds.  A lot.

5.  I'm finally learning how to tell time on a real watch.  No more digital for me.  Only about 20 years after most people...

6.  The more I have to do the more I procrastinate.

7.  I lose lightbulbs and socks with astounding frequency.

8.  I'm going to Smashville for New Years Eve.  I'm hoping to not lose my phone.  I've already given up on losing my morals and dignity.  It comes with the territory of excessive drinking.

9.  I work with some of the most insane people ever.  They really make me fucking laugh sometimes.  Sometimes I hate them.

10.  You need to read this girl's blog.  Click here.  She is funnier than I am.  Given how highly I think of myself {and my humor} that's saying a lot.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Shannon learns to bake, lesson 1 - the recipes

Alton Brown's Sugar Cookies


  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup unsalted butter, softened
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 1 tablespoon milk
  • Powdered sugar, for rolling out dough


Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside. Place butter and sugar in large bowl of electric stand mixer and beat until light in color. Add egg and milk and beat to combine. Put mixer on low speed, gradually add flour, and beat until mixture pulls away from the side of the bowl. Divide the dough in half, wrap in waxed paper, and refrigerate for 2 hours.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Sprinkle surface where you will roll out dough with powdered sugar. Remove 1 wrapped pack of dough from refrigerator at a time, sprinkle rolling pin with powdered sugar, and roll out dough to 1/4-inch thick. Move the dough around and check underneath frequently to make sure it is not sticking. If dough has warmed during rolling, place cold cookie sheet on top for 10 minutes to chill. Cut into desired shape, place at least 1-inch apart on greased baking sheet, parchment, or silicone baking mat, and bake for 7 to 9 minutes or until cookies are just beginning to turn brown around the edges, rotating cookie sheet halfway through baking time. Let sit on baking sheet for 2 minutes after removal from oven and then move to complete cooling on wire rack. Serve as is or ice as desired. Store in airtight container for up to one week
{Note:  I have no idea what it means when the mixture is supposed to pull away from the side of the bowl.  Mine may have done that?  I dooon't know.}

Royal Icing


  • 3 ounces pasteurized egg whites
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 4 cups confectioners' sugar


In large bowl of stand mixer combine the egg whites and vanilla and beat until frothy. Add confectioners' sugar gradually and mix on low speed until sugar is incorporated and mixture is shiny. Turn speed up to high and beat until mixture forms stiff, glossy peaks. This should take approximately 5 to 7 minutes. Add food coloring, if desired. For immediate use, transfer icing to pastry bag or heavy duty storage bag and pipe as desired. If using storage bag, clip corner. Store in airtight container in refrigerator for up to 3 days
{Note:  Who in the fuck knows what 3 ounces of egg whites looks like?  Not this girl.  I googled a few more recipes and most of them said 4 egg whites.  And I probably had the best time ever doing this part.  Egg whites are fun.}

Shannon learns to bake, lesson 1 - the photos

The list.  Naturally I forgot something.  The rolling pin.

So many choices.

Even MORE choices

Dear baking powder, where ARRRRRE you?

Oh, hidden on the top shelf.  That's cool.

The shiz

Doesn't it just look cute and Amish?

Sifted shiz

My new power tool
This thing is fucking out of control.  The "low" option has the mixing power of a hemi.  I don't really know if that's a lot but the commercials sure do make it seem like it is.

Dough balls.
So... the dough seemed really crumbly.  I hope this is ok?

Royal Icing

Oh, baking.  You are a messy hobby.  My kitchen is a disaster thanks to my ridiculous mixer.  I have about 30 more minutes until I can start baking some cookies.  The whole waiting 2 hours for the dough to chill is boring.  Slash I don't know why I have to put it in the fridge.

dun dun duuuuun.

This may be my last post ever.

Before you freak out and wonder how your life will go on, let me tell you I have no plans on stopping  but if I blow my arms off and/or burn my house down after this weekend it will be a little hard to continue.

I've decided to bake this weekend.  I've decided that my cooking skills are to be put on hold while I attempt to join the ranks of holiday bakers world wide.  I'm going to be making sugar cookies decorated with royal icing.  From scratch.  All of it.  Alton Brown listed these recipes as "easy" and if he lied he may or may not be getting a strongly worded letter.  {Again, this all depends on whether or not I blow my arms off.}

I be-bopped across the street to Bed, Bath and Beyond for a hand mixer.  There were about a thousand.  I chose the cheapest one because, amongst other things, I have a sneaking suspicion that this contraption will be used this weekend and this weekend only.  I also bought a sifter.  It's fucking adorable and I kind of felt Amish while I was testing it in line.  I have no idea why I felt this way.  I also got a strong urge to churn butter.  One step at a time, Shannon, one step at a time.  After work, I went to Kroger and headed straight to the baking isle.  It was a foreign land to me.  A few things I learned:
1.  Baking powder and baking soda are NOT the same.
2.  There are a lot of different choices.  For everything.  Flour and sugar included.
3.  While my mom enjoys helping me make the distinction between all these items, I think she likes making fun of me at the same time.

While I type this post and when I'm cleaning my kitchen to prepare it for the onslaught of yumminess that will be taking place in a matter of hours, I decided to watch the foodnetwork to get in the mood.  Mistake.  Rachel Ray is on.  She's really annoying.  R - squared has a tendency to do the Ann Curry whisper/raspy voice that I'm not too fond of.  Plus she says really stupid shit.  Like this stuff is so stupid that I will judge the hell out of you if you even crack a smile at her jokes.  Example:  RR threw some salt over her shoulder for luck and said:  "Why does pepper never get thrown over your shoulder.  Poor pepper, I bet he feels left out."  You, sir, are an idiot.

Time to focus.  And decorate for Christmas.  And do Christmas cards.  Yes, it's December 17th and I haven't started any of this.  OR Christmas shopping.  Something tells me I will regret this decision tomorrow.  Stay tuned for pictures.  Don't worry, I have 911 on speed dial.  Hopefully, if things DO take a turn for the worst, some of these fellas will come to my rescue.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

I always think that I love cold weather... every year I get ridiculously excited about fall and then about winter.  Then winter hits and I'm cursing the fact that I can't go outside without wondering if I am going to die of hypothermia.  I live in the south.  It's not supposed to be cold for any prolonged period of time.  We are only to freeze for a week or so in January then relish the 40 degree weather the rest of the season.  We are supposed to watch the weather {Ron Childers is the MAN} and chuckle when we hear about the coldness hitting the rest of the country.  Not this year, my friends.  This year has been too cold for my liking.  Unless I have someone who can warm up my car and bring me a steaming cup of coffee every morning, I'm not a fan of this weather.  I am, on the other hand, a pretty big fan of the holiday season.  Here's a few reasons why:

1.  The Madonna Christmas program:  I've gone the past 3 or 4 years and there is little in life that makes me so happy.  G's little sister Ivy is the only main reason I go.  To say I love her is putting it as mildly as I possibly can.  Ivy is the cutest, most hilarious person I know.

2.  Starry Nights at Shelby Farms:  It starts the day after Thanksgiving and goes through January 2.  It's $20 a car and is so wonderful.  You drive through the park and see some awesome lights.  My mom, aunt Laura, cousin, grandma and I go to dinner before hand then go see the lights.  My favorite is driving through this little area...

3.  Zoo lights and ice skating:  Ok, so I haven't done either one of these... It's been a hot minute since I've done zoo lights and the ice skating just started this year.  It's $5 for the zoo lights and $6 for the ice skating (that includes rentals).  I cannot wait to talk one of my friends into doing this with me.

4.  Scarves, gloves, coats, etc.  I love bundling up.  Especially if I'm just going to hanging out around my house.  I've done way too much of that this weekend.

5.  Christmas movies.  I love holiday happiness.  I love ABC Family and Lifetime even more this time of year.  Here are a few of my favs:


Don't judge me.

Double duh.
I'll probably be posting again later this afternoon.  Maybe some gift ideas?  For me or one of your like-minded, mentally deranged friends?

Lists of Four

My homegirl over at Noble's Book tagged me in this fun little list of 4s.  I usually like to keep my lists to multiples of three's but that's because I'm moderately OCD.  Here we go:

1. Four shows that you watch:
one:  Gossip Girl
two:  Modern Family
three:  The Office
four: Parks and Recreation - this gem starts back up in January and I'm super excited about it.

2. Four things you are passionate about:
one:  My friends and family
two:  Laughing
three:  My blog, your blog, every one's blog.
four:  Being happy

3. Four words/phrases you say a lot:
one:  Fuck you
two:  Shut up
three:  Call 911
four:  OMG {I obviously need to broaden my vocabulary.  I talk like a junior high Jersey girl}

4. Four things you've learned from the past:
one:  Karma is a mother fucker.
two:  Life may suck but it always gets better
three:  Family is super important
four:  I have to straighten my hair if I want to have a short hair cut.  Mushroom heads aren't cool.

5. Four places you would like to go:
one:  Ireland
two:  India
three:  Japan
four:  Figi
6. Four things you did yesterday:  Side note - I should have done this yesterday because I did very little yesterday
one:  Watched ABC Family
two:  Watched Lifetime
three:  Babysat the world's most annoying family
four:  A little bit of grocery shopping

7. Four things you are looking forward to:
one:  Starry Nights on Wednesday
two:  tomorrow?
three:  the next day?
four:  the day after that?
8. Four things you love about Winter:
one:  Madonna Learning Center's Christmas program
two:  Starry nights with my aunt, cousin, momma and g-ma
three:  Snow
four:  Hazelnut Hot chocolate

9. Tag 4 people to play along:
Raquel @ Memphis Mama
Jill @ Just Doin What I Want
Andrea @ Happily Ever After
Robyn @ Espadrilles, Lamps and Lava Cake
Maggie @ Daydream Believing

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Peacocks and prisoners.

I had another exciting day at work.  Our system was down until around 1 so I had an excuse to read all of my news websites, celebrity gossip sites, play Angry Birds and read my favorite weekly publication:  Just Busted.

If you aren't from Memphis, or don't go into gas stations where they sell this beautiful little magazine let me explain it to you:  People from Shelby county {and 2 other ones that mean nothing to me because I have NO idea where they are - Desoto and Crittenden} get arrested.  A LOT.  They get arrested for all sorts of things - criminal trespassing, domestic assault, drugs, being drunk, being douche bags... you get the picture.  Anyway, this gem comes out on a weekly basis and is sold for $1.  Rest assured that if you are feeling bad about you life - if things aren't looking so hot - pick up one of these bitches.  If you don't laugh, smile, cringe and laugh some more then you are probably my mother.  In which case you should NOT be reading this.  In addition to that, if you can't laugh at the misfortunes of others than you definitely should not be reading this.

I don't look through all of these mug shots solely because they make me chuckle.  I skim these pages for a reunion of sorts.  I've purchased at least 20 of these things and I've known at least one person in each one.  Yikes.  Does that say something about me?  It should... It should tell you that I'm a really good judge of character.  I like to hang out with only people of sound morals and a firm grasp on reality.  I also look through these pages in hopes of finding my next boyfriend.  Joking?  You tell me...

Option #1
Pros:  He has some nice comb over bangs.  His eyes tell me he knows how to party.
Cons:  His eyes... one is looking at me while the other is the kind that follows you around everywhere.  Oh that and the assault with intent to do bodily harm.

Option #2
Pros:  He's got white teeth.  And... he's an, um, entrepreneur?
Cons:  It looks as if he does more yayo than Rick James and Charlie Murphy put together.

Option #3
Pros:  He looks like Jesus.
Cons:  He looks like Jesus... on meth.

I guess I'll keep up my weekly hunt for my Prince Charming.

Now I need to tell you about something serious.  I want a peacock.  A pet peacock.  Slash I want a friend to get one so I can go hang out with it.  Better yet, I would really like it if a neighbor of mine got one so I could be completely devoid of all responsibility.  {Quick aside: I'm very glad that none of my friends would get one.  I don't know that I want to be friends with anyone who is a bird person.  They tend to be fucking lunatics that have a taste for abusing illegal substances.  Know the first person that pops into my mind?  HINT:  It starts with "H" and ends with "eidi Fleiss."}  Taylor and I googled this {it was a very long morning}.  While he was convinced that he would kill and grill this beautiful creature, I just want to look at it.

Ok.  Happy almost Friday.  I'm giving you some more GP tonight.  Love it.  Know what else I love?  This video was filmed at Sundown in the City up in the 865.  Knoxville, I miss your stank ass.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

What AN idiot.

I was looking over one of my last posts -  my crazy rant where I come off as a hormonal elitist {See here for a reminder} - when I realized that I forgot to put my favorite part of that blog... the sign I added to the break room at work.

Back story:  I've told you about the Sign Nazi.  Homegirl posts signs about anything and everything that rubs her the wrong way.  Ok - so I work with quite a few people.  I don't know / care to count exactly how many but enough.  Anyway, we all share a break room.  There's a coffee pot, a water jug-thing, tables, a tv and the refrigerator.  The stupid fucking refrigerator.  I wish you could smell it.  Um... scratch that - I don't want anyone to be forced to smell this.  It smells like curdled ass.  People put their lunches in there and leave them for decades.  Other people - me and a girl in my department for instance - use it strictly for the essentials:  cream for my coffee and milk because she was preggo and had heartburn like everyday.

Not two weeks after I brought in some delicious cream {in an absurdly large bottle, mind you} and after one use, it was gone.  As in someone put it back in the fridge empty.  If that wasn't annoying enough, whoever used it didn't ask.  Rude.  I will always say yes.  Just ask.

Cut to a few hours later:  Preggo goes to get the milk because her heartburn was a'kickin and it was gone.  No jug.  Nothing.  Seeing as there is only one Preggo at work, someone knowingly drank a pregnant woman's heartburn salvation.  It was after hearing this little bit of info that I got even more annoyed with my fucking rude inconsiderate co-workers.  I decided the time had come for me to add to the break room signage.

It's still hanging up right where I left it.  I wanted to right "Shaaaaaame" in bright red sharpie but apparently that was too far?  What the fuck ever.  I think I'll laugh at this for several weeks.  I hope I shamed the shit out of whomever was responsible for poor preggo's heartburn.

I love Cee Lo Green.

WTF Wednesday

I am stealing the idea for this "What the fuuuck Wednesday" from one of my favorite blogs.  Seriously, if you haven't read Carrie Bradshaw is full of shit - go read it.  Obviously after you finish mine... I don't want you to do anything crazy.

So... I have a few things I would like to address.  I'm choosing to do so in letter form because um... I can?

What the Fuuuuck
Dear co-workers,

I love you.  Ok so I guess I only stand? tolerate? know most you.  I'm stoked that you have husbands, families the whole she-bang.  For real.  I'm glad you have someone/thing to go home to.  But please, oh please, let me make one thing clear:  I do not care about your marital problems, the problems you have with your in-laws, with your children - I think you get the drift.  I'm going to beg of you that, unless prompted {and trust - you should know when I am willing to listen}, keep your problems at hooome.  Unless your problems give me great joy and involve fun things to which I can relate.

Dearest friends,

I'm obsessed with you as you all know.  Like I would make babies with 99.8342% of you.  SPEAKING OF BABIES, I'm not ready for them.  I'm not ready for you to be having them on purpose.  I'm not ready for any of us to be thinking about getting engaged or getting married.  It scares the hell out of me.  It sends chills throughout my body.  I think I'm mainly feeling pressure {thanks, mom}.  I can barely take care of myself so if you feel like you need to mother something, I'm willing to drink too much and force you to babysit me.  Consider it practice?  On that note, I'm absurdly excited for those of you that ARE having babies and getting married.  Mainly for those that have/are having chillrens.  I'm probably the best aunt ever.  Just ask Ms B.

Dear WordFeud, Angry Birds, HeyTell, Peep, et al,

Thank you for being the best fucking apps on the face of the planet.  I have no idea how I got through the day without you.  Real life.

Dear life,
Get yourself together.  I'm talking to you, hormones.  While I do enjoy my boobies, I'm tired of getting distracted by you {don't judge me}.  Also if you could cut out the crampage in my lady biz, that'd be great.  I know I'm not actually having an alien baby but I also know that I need it to stop.  Stat.  Now your turn, house:  I don't like having to do laundry for hours on end.  I don't like doing it at all, actually.  If you could become robotic {the cool kind - not the creepy kind} and take of that yourself that would be solid.  

Dear jello shots,
Fuck. You.  It's over between us.  I mean it this time?
I want to barf even thinking about last weekend.

Dear Grace Potter and the Nocturnals,
Thank you for being the baddest merfs around.  GP, I have a serious girl crush on you.  Please don't ever sell out.  Oh, and please come back to Memphis.