My balls + your face

As I've mentioned before, I think testicles are pretty much the weirdest things ever.  I guess I just don't understand them.  Sure, I know why they are useful from an anatomical standpoint but they aren't fun like boobs.  I don't think anyone has ever uttered the words, "Check out the balls on that guy..." unless they were hanging out of a pair of shorts.  Gross.  HOWEVER if I were a boy, I would definitely do funny things with them.  Like right now, I kind of wish I had a pair so I could tea bag a few people.  There are two folks at the tippy top of my list.  You two should be thanking your lucky stars that I don't have balls.

While I was anxiously awaiting Chelsea's first post-VMA show {mainly to see what she had to say about her haters} I got my Etsy-on.  Dangerous.  Here are a few of my favorites:

You can personalize this.  I'm really digging the two finger rings right now.

You can personalize this too, obvs.

Sweeter than my usual liking.

I want it in gold.  They are lungs, BTW.

This is the one I REALLY want.

Grrr.  So I guess I was expecting a little more hate from Chels after the tweet-fight between her and Perez.  I will forgive her because tonight's show was hilarious.  For instance, she said "I want to go to high schools NOW and have sex with little boys."  Yup.  Statutory rape can be funny.  And "I normally don't endorse redheads.  I don't know if you know that about me..."  Hilarious.  Why couldn't she be funny last night?  I need to slap myself.  That's enough blasphemy for today.  Or for life?

Here are a few more tweets to end your night:

sarahcolonna Taylor's song was ridiculous. If you watch with the volume down you'd think she's singing about 9/11.#getoveritwhitegirl

ihatesomuch 
I hope I don't die tonight because my last text message said "I love your cock". And that would be sort of embarrassing. cc: @ScrappyOctopus

  

That's enough rambling.  Time to watch the True Blood season finale.  Yeaaaaaaaaaah, gurl.  Please watch this video for AT LEAST long enough so you can see this man's beautiful teeth.  For reals.  I want to lick them. 

MTV is so 1999.

Chelsea Handler let me down last night.  There.  I said it.  I want to throw up now.  I feel like I just gave a baby a paper cut or like I just sucker punched a puppy that's missing two legs.  I'm talking about the VMAs, in case I lost you.  I wanted her to kill it so badly.  Unfortunately, her jokes were predictable.  I'm going to chalk it up to nerves.  Or excessive drinking.  Or drug abuse.  Maybe it was simply a horrible combination of all three.  Whatevs.  I still love her.  And I will still emulate my life after hers.  Awkward sexual experience after awkward sexual experience.  It's something I'm willing to do for YOU.  MY readers.  {Prank call, mom!  This is a joke?}

Speaking of the VMAs, I would like to discuss a few things:

1.  Taylor Swift.  I get that she's just a little baby.  I can appreciate the fact that she's hormonal and what have you but her performance was a joke.  Not a "Ha, ha" joke.  An "OMG I'm painfully embarrassed for you" joke.  As of last night I officially became Team Kayne.  My feelings are best summed up through this stranger's tweet:

Trendeh 
Dear Taylor Swift, Kanye took your microphone not your virginity... its time to move on...

  

2.  Bruno Mars makes my knees weak.  As do the men from Linkin Park.  These performances were very underrated.  Like whoa.
3.  While his music doesn't totally blow, Jared Leto is a tool of epic proportions.  He has a fucking mullet/rat tail for Christ's sake.  He's so desperate to be anti-establishment it's ridiculous.  News flash, homie: You are just a grown up Jordan Catalano.  Minus the plaid and Claire Danes.  
4.   Lady Gaga wore a meat dress and Justin Bieber had an Asian child dancing on stage with him.  Combine those things with the fact that I got to see all of my Jersey Shore lovers and that, mis amigos, is as close to cielo as possible on earth.  {Cielo = Spanish for heaven.  Knowledge is power.}

 Today is a sad day.  It's the final season premier for my other homegirl, Oprah.  I just finished watching this glorious show and it was hilarious - mainly because of her guests.  First, John Travolta came out with something on his head.  I think he meant for it to be hair but, well, it wasn't and it makes me uncomfortable.  Blah, blah, blah - middle aged women crying/screaming... blah, blah, blah.  Oprah has a breakdown.  I've never seen a black woman that loves Paul Simon so much in my life.  No, I've never actually seen ANYONE that loves Paul Simon as much as this woman.  He creeps me out {maybe because he only comes up to Oprah's boob?}... but not nearly as much as Johnny's hair.


Happy Monday.  That's it for now.  There may be a second post today after Chelsea Lately comes on.  Check back later, if you're feeling lucky.