Monday, November 15, 2010

You win. You always do.

Hi-dy ho boys and girls.  I hope you all had a good weekend.  As I told you in my last post, I decided to take a little road trip up to Nashville this past weekend.  As per usual, the 615 and I went toe to toe.  I'm fairly certain that Nashville won but let's tally the score:

I arrived around 8ish Friday night.  {Side note:  day light savings time sucks balls.  Having to drive the entire trip in the dark was freaking Snooze-ville, USA.}  Taylor and I stopped at a McDonald's to wait for Nashville to come pick me up.  We go inside where I immediately notice the plethora of thugs and that all the tv's are speaking Spanish.  I can handle this.  I'm from Memphis.  I get cat-called whilst walking to the pisser and ogled the entire 20 minutes we are there.  Maybe they don't grow them like me off of exit 6.  One point to me.
615:  0  Shannon: 1
We decide to go to Losers - a fun little bar in the midtown area?  Let me tell you something, dear friends.  Nashville looooves it's mustaches.  My little heart skipped a beat with each passing fu manchu.  I had to pet on fella's mustache because it was so luscious.  {Yup.  I'm fully aware of how creepy this sounds.  And please believe me that it was 100% creepier than you think.}  Let's blame this move on the rumplemintz. Clearly the 615 takes the win here.
615: 1  Shannon: 1
We head to bar numero dos {Red Bar, I believe}.  Things were going fine.  I saw this one little nugget who was wearing the biggest, most ridiculously blinged out watch I'd ever seen in my life.  Of course I had to mock him.  Mocking lead to him spilling some lines about how he's Lebron James' PR guy.  Lies.  Anyway, 3 o'clock comes along and my new homegirl Jagoda and I realize that Nashville, our ride, has decided to flee the scene with a stranger nick-named Dave Mraz due to his uncanny resemblance to Dave Matthews and Mr. to the AZ.  Being the resourceful ladies that we are, Jagoda and I start looking around for landmarks and realize that we are by a SPACESHIP.  Nashville finally comes to our rescue - probably because she found the spaceship - and we make it home.  The city takes another win with this one.  The architectural beauty may be the only reason Jagoda and I did not wind up on the back of a milk carton or on Dateline.
So maybe it doesn't look like a spaceship...
615: 2  Shannon: 1

In my hurry to find my pj's and make my way to bed I had a run in with the door.  Actually, my foot had a run in with the door.  The door won.  My toe?  Well, it's now broken.  This calls for 1 point to the 615 and - 1 point for me.
615:  3  Shannon: 0

Saturday:  I drank too much rumple, fancy that, and spent the majority of the day watching Harry Potter.  Before round 2 I had to go get some flats {though they are cute, I loathe them.  Flats are not my friend}. My body is not physically prepared for another night on the town - especially since Nashville had to make jello shots and got moonshine for the birthday party we were supposed to attend.  I put my party panties on and went along for the ride.  Looking back, I should have stayed home.

Jello shots, moonshine and fireball were a-flowing at the party.  We head downtown {jello and fireball in purses, of course}.  Before we go into Miss Kelly's the bouncer makes me show him the contents of my purse.  The Meathead finds not one, not two - not even three or four but NINE jello shots in my purse.  Naturally I step outside and throw them to anyone that looks like someone I know.  Meathead is not pleased.  He shames the shiiiiiit out of me but I dance my way back to the bar.  I'm giving myself one point for my ability to share and the city gets one for le shame.
615: 4  Shannon: 1

Things start to get a little fuzzy.  Here's what I know:  rumplemintz, whiskey, jello, water {see, I'm responsible}, dancing, schooling some silly boys in the ghetto ways of Coolio, strip club {no need for extra shame here... I got this}, penis tattoo {real life}, closing time?, SEVENTY FIVE DOLLAR cab ride home, getting lost in the apartment complex, sleep?  If I added this correctly that's 8 for the 615 and 2 for me.  I'm taking one of my points away for going to a strip club.  That's fucking gross.
615: 12  Shannon:2

Did I mention that I left my phone in the cab?  Or that someone stepped on my broken toe and I wanted to punch them in the genitals and projectile vomit in their face all at the same time?  Yup.  Sunday morning was rough.  REAL rough.  I had to find Nashville to use her phone because I didn't know what time my ride was coming through.  I don't know my ride's number.  Enter panic attack.  Through some handy facebooking I found my ride's number but his phone was dead.  Seriously - PANIC attack.  I was positive that I was going to have to take a greyhound home and that I was going to be forced to sit next to a crackhead whose hygiene is sub par.  They'd probably be eating curry.  Or squirrel.  Maybe possum.  Cut to 6 hours after my first attempt to get in touch with my ride.  We finally leave the city limits around 6 and make it to Memphis after what feels like an eternity.  Cashville
615:  32  Shannon:  7

I went and got my new phone today and talked to man out of making me pay for my $120 new contract fee.  How?  I borrowed crutches and gimped in there and made him feel so badly about my weekend that he would do anything to make me happy.  $150 later I have a new phone, all my contacts and a little pep in my walk... er... limp?  That's 120 to me 150 to them.
615:  182  Shannon:  127

There are a few other stories that I won't mention.  I'd like to keep what little dignity I have left over.  I say I put up a pretty solid fight.  See you next time, Nashville... keep it classy.


Anonymous said...

Don't forget to menton that fu manchu number one requested us not to upload his picture since he is wanted on felony charges

Maggie said...

sounds like you had a fantastic time! although, if a city won by that many points against me, i do not know if i would ever be willing to return. more power to you if you are able to return and try again in the battle!

Jarrod said...

Yours is the second blog I found today by clicking a common "interest" and the second blog author who was recently injured. I think I'll stop browsing now.

Shannon said...

HAHA! Perhaps you should stop reading.. no injuries as of late on my end... so that's a plus?

Jarrod said...

Is barfing an injury?

Shannon said...

Probably an internal injury of sorts. SInce I can't see what I'm doing to my liver, stomach, kidneys, et al, I'm going to go with no, it's not an injury.