Sunday, August 1, 2010

Before I get old...

    Here's my list of things to do before I get old which, unfortunately, is rapidly approaching.  I will be adding new things probably on a daily basis because I have a lot I want to do before my boobs start to sag.  Sorry for the visual... I almost threw up too.

    I actually started my list a week after I turned 25 and I've gotten pretty much nowhere since then.  The one thing I HAVE done is quit smoking.  I've been smoking since college but never really considered myself a "smoker" until after I left and had to get my own insurance.  (I lied to them.  Sorry, Humana... actually, I'm not.  you guys blow.)  Quitting smoking was probably the worst thing I've ever done.  It really, really REALLY sucked.  I was a huge raging bitch... more than usual.  But I haven't had a smoke since June 8.

    • Quit smoking
    • Start a blog
    • Take care of a living thing.  Since my last fish froze to death on his first (and obviously LAST) Spring Break, I'm thinking I should start out with a plant.
    • Drive a motorcycle... as I've mention before,  the likelihood of this happening is closer to none than anything else... so I guess that brings me to something else to add:
    • RIDE a motorcycle:  This is still very unlikely since my heart races and I get nervous when I am standing near a motorcycle.  Plus I don't know if they make helmets for my unusually large head.  This is something I should probably look into...
    • Get a tattoo.  I'm going to have trouble with this one.  I change my mind on an hourly basis, literally.  Maybe I'll get one of those ones that lasts like a year to see if I still like it.  Or maybe I'll just go to Kroger and get one from one of those little machines
    • Learn what a 401k is then start my 401k.  We had a meeting about them at work not too long ago and the guy was not very informative and he didn't take me seriously once he found out that I have started using the money I'm saving from not smoking on pedicures.  I bet he has gross, ugly feet.
    • Have an intense love affair.  This sounds a lot trashier than I mean for it to but there is no way to make it NOT sound slooty.  I'm uncomfortable now... so moving on.
    • Read at least 2 books a month.  I will need help with this one from my lovely friends.  I haven't been able to find a book that keeps my interest in quite some time.  I just finished Same Kind of Different as Me and, aside from the stories about the big guy upstairs that I'm not really sold on, it was really good.  I typically like books that are a little more dark - like an episode of "Intervention."
    • Take a long road trip with my besties.  Think Thelma and Louise but hopefully with a different ending.
    • Volunteer somewhere.
    • Take the train somewhere.  In my head, I'll pack a little thing like Huck Finn carried around... I am also seeing scary homeless clowns in this vision but hopefully they won't kill me.
    • Go to church on a somewhat regular basis.  Typing this one out made me feel uneasy because I am not a fan of organized religion as a whole.  There are two things I know:  Catholicism isn't my scene and I'd rather punch a kitty than go to Bellevue.
    • Travel.  Preferably alone... or with someone who can protect me from gypsies.
    • Learn Spanish.  I started this one a long time ago and quit.  I need to start back up because, other than the obligatory expletives, all I know how to say is "I want (however many) beers / tequila," "Where is the hotel," "How much money do you have?"  Something tells me that I shouldn't use those phrases together but that I probably would...
    • Go back to school... this one is in the works.  If anyone would like to give me money, please feel free.
    • Go skydiving
    • Write a book... even if it's only for me to read and laugh at.
    • "Quit your job, be a whore and do stand up."  This was some brilliant advice from my dear friend Anna.  For now, I'll keep my job and keep my legs closed (unless I start that steamy affair) but I still want to do stand up.
    • Marry Matt Lauer.  Punch Anne Curry.
    • Learn to cook.  I don't know that this one will happen... ever.  I can make pretty much any kind of egg that suits your fancy... unless you are a scrambled egg person.  I don't get why anyone would want a scrambled egg.  Gross.
    • Learn sign language.  Just like Spanish, I already know how to say dirty things but want to learn more.
    Stay tuned... there definitely more to come.

    And for your listening pleasure... David. Freaking. Bowie.



    grace thomas said...

    I can help you with the road trip.

    our intentions to go to church this morning were sincere..however, I drank enough alcohol last night to think that vodka really is water. point for j.c for working miracles with my vodka last night...

    H to tha ALO said...

    Excuse me. Shannon? at church? the holy water is boiling.. and i think i just saw a single tear roll down the virgin's face..

    Also, matt lauer is a gay. Nothing wrong there, except you have a vagina, so i doubt hes interested. Sorry..

    Finally - Some prudent train-riding advice: BYOB beeshes!! Thats right, it is a little known fact that the train is cooler-friendly! Drink up!

    Shannon said...

    Matt has been like a brother to you. And if he were gay I would only fall deeper in love with him.

    Jesus came to me in a dream last night. He said Matt isn't gay AND he, too, is nervous about the whole church idea.

    I'm glad to know trains are byob. But are there clowns?

    Anna said...

    I like my idea the best...

    Shannon said...

    While your idea was not the best for my health or for my immediate financial stability, it is the best idea for the world. Who wouldn't benefit from me doing stand up?!