MTV is so 1999.

Chelsea Handler let me down last night.  There.  I said it.  I want to throw up now.  I feel like I just gave a baby a paper cut or like I just sucker punched a puppy that's missing two legs.  I'm talking about the VMAs, in case I lost you.  I wanted her to kill it so badly.  Unfortunately, her jokes were predictable.  I'm going to chalk it up to nerves.  Or excessive drinking.  Or drug abuse.  Maybe it was simply a horrible combination of all three.  Whatevs.  I still love her.  And I will still emulate my life after hers.  Awkward sexual experience after awkward sexual experience.  It's something I'm willing to do for YOU.  MY readers.  {Prank call, mom!  This is a joke?}

Speaking of the VMAs, I would like to discuss a few things:

1.  Taylor Swift.  I get that she's just a little baby.  I can appreciate the fact that she's hormonal and what have you but her performance was a joke.  Not a "Ha, ha" joke.  An "OMG I'm painfully embarrassed for you" joke.  As of last night I officially became Team Kayne.  My feelings are best summed up through this stranger's tweet:

Trendeh 
Dear Taylor Swift, Kanye took your microphone not your virginity... its time to move on...

  

2.  Bruno Mars makes my knees weak.  As do the men from Linkin Park.  These performances were very underrated.  Like whoa.
3.  While his music doesn't totally blow, Jared Leto is a tool of epic proportions.  He has a fucking mullet/rat tail for Christ's sake.  He's so desperate to be anti-establishment it's ridiculous.  News flash, homie: You are just a grown up Jordan Catalano.  Minus the plaid and Claire Danes.  
4.   Lady Gaga wore a meat dress and Justin Bieber had an Asian child dancing on stage with him.  Combine those things with the fact that I got to see all of my Jersey Shore lovers and that, mis amigos, is as close to cielo as possible on earth.  {Cielo = Spanish for heaven.  Knowledge is power.}

 Today is a sad day.  It's the final season premier for my other homegirl, Oprah.  I just finished watching this glorious show and it was hilarious - mainly because of her guests.  First, John Travolta came out with something on his head.  I think he meant for it to be hair but, well, it wasn't and it makes me uncomfortable.  Blah, blah, blah - middle aged women crying/screaming... blah, blah, blah.  Oprah has a breakdown.  I've never seen a black woman that loves Paul Simon so much in my life.  No, I've never actually seen ANYONE that loves Paul Simon as much as this woman.  He creeps me out {maybe because he only comes up to Oprah's boob?}... but not nearly as much as Johnny's hair.


Happy Monday.  That's it for now.  There may be a second post today after Chelsea Lately comes on.  Check back later, if you're feeling lucky.