Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tell me a story.

I'm not sure what it is about me but people like to tell me super weird things.  Things they definitely maybe shouldn't tell anyone else?  Especially a stranger.  Here's a sweet little example...

My sinuses suck.  I get sinus infections quite often so I frequent the Walgreen/Take Care Clinic down the street from my work for some serious antibiotics.  They are always stupid busy so I get to eavesdrop on people's conversations and spy some majorly delish daddies.  I finally get taken back to see the nurse practitioner?  I'm not sure if that's what she is... regardless, she writes me prescriptions and her name is Erin.  We're talking about what's wrong with me... boring, boring, boring.  Erin mentions how "adorable" my shoes are - since she is charge of giving me what I need I do not tell her that, perhaps, she means "smokin' hot" because there is no way in hell 5 inch black suede heels are in the same category as puppies and babies.  Erin starts telling me what prescription she is writing me, yada, yada, yada... she mentions my new birth control and tells me gross things I won't mention here.  Then she tip toes ever so gracefully up to the "too far for strangers" line.  She proceeds to tell me that if I don't eat with my antibiotics that I'll get "the shits."  Yes.  The person in charge of my well-being used the term "the shits."  Something tells me that isn't in any medical books.  Erin shoots me a truly bizarre look and continues on like that didn't happen.  {Ignoring the awkward is a personal favorite of mine.  I like her style.}  She goes on to tell me that some people like that.  Yup, still talking about poo here.  I don't know if Erin is aware that she is rapidly approaching the way too far line but she keeps on talking.  The next words out of her mouth confuse me, as I'm not even sure what it is or where it's located.  "A gall bladder," she says while looking at me like I should get exactly why she said this.  "{Awkward 30 second pause} I think people should get gall bladder removals if they suffer from chronic constipation... after you get that done you go 30 minutes after you eat."  Crickets may as well be chirping in the background because I have no idea why she is talking about this... apparently she could tell from my face and then it happens.  She jumped across the line.  Erin tells me that she "only poops every ten days."  Erin continues on for an extremely odd length of time.  Telling me all about her "rock hard" shadoobs.  Once she finished sharing the details of her bathroom habits she hands me my receipt, I tell her she needs to talk to a doctor about that and walk out the door.  I need to find a new Walgreens...

In other news, I have a new addiction.  Nail polish.  I'm completely obsessed.  I cannot walk into any sort of store that sells it and not walk out with at least one new color.  Case in point:  I went to Walgreens  twice today and left with three bottles of polish.  I got another new bottle last week at le Kroger.  Here's a taste of my newest and most favorite colors:

Revlon, Hot in Chocolate

Sally Hansen, Pacific Blue

O.P.I, Vodka & Caviar

Sally Hansen, Rockstar Pink
Now to decide what the color du jour will be... yum, yum, yum... love.  And holy shiz, sweet Lady Gaga, praise be all that is holy... Urban Fucking Outfitter is opening a store in the Cooper Young area.  Maybe I should go to church and praise baby jesus.  Or I can just pray at the altar of fashion when the store finally opens.  Yes.  That sounds like a much better idea.

P.S.:  I think vanity license plates are really stupid.  I know several people who have them.  I'm not really afraid to tell you I think it's fucking stupid.  I saw one today that was just dumb.  Unfortunately I was unable to get a picture but I did remember what it said.  It was on a new black Lexus LS10.  Blacked out windows.  Being driven by a... um, particularly suspect man.  The plates read: "IP8D4IT"  I wanted to flag him down and tell him the "8" was superfluous.  "Pah-eight" is actually just pronounced pād.  And something tells me, by the way you're driving, that you didn't actually "p8d" for it.

P.P.S.:  The website we use at work has daily inspirational quotes.  The one posted today said something along the lines of "Aim low and you'll never be disappointed."  Nothing like selling yourself short to make your life really worth living.

Happy Thursday!  I hope you all have a b-e-a-uuuuu-tiful Friday!


Alethea Noble said...

Your post is so Memphis!! I'm sure the guy that "IP8D4IT" probably did so with his drug/pimpin' income. I went to my local walgreens to pick up the Rocksart Pink Nail polish, while I was there I avoided eye contact with everybody, in fear they might tell me a story about poo.

Shannon said...

Have you used the polish yet? It took me about 2 coats for it to be exactly what I wanted... I love it - BUT it chips after one day! I did two coats of the sparkles and one of an OPI top coat to make it extra shiny and not so rough... I still love it though!