Thursday, September 30, 2010

I'm not white trash?

My mom pushed the "The house needs to be spotless" date until this evening.  Lucky me.  I went over after work to vacuum and dust the rest of the house.  There was one small problem.  My parents brand new vacuum cleaner broke.
Ridiculously expensive piece of shit
I'm super smart so I called the neighbors and asked to borrow theirs.  Apparently there is a time warp portal in between our house and theirs because THIS is what my dad came back with...
Seriously?  Is this from 1983?
I think even the Amish would laugh in the face of the person suggesting that this is a viable option to clean anything.  My dad, being the man's-man that he is, came up with this idea:
4.5 Horse Power Hey-o
Yup.  That's shop vac.  Unfortunately, the cord is short... don't worry - he has a solution for that, too.
The extension cord I had to haul around the house
Then there was the little problem that the shop vac's attachment would scratch the hardwood floors.  Once again, I came to the rescue.  I put the broken vacuum's attachment on the shop vac but it wouldn't stay... I asked my dad if he had any duct tape.  You should have seen the look on his face.  You would have thought I told him that I had a change of heart and was now a Republican.  Ricky-poo ran out to his work shop and picked his favorite roll and this was the final result.
Bobo.  Bobo as hell.
I finished cleaning the house and decided to take a gander at some old family photos before I left.  Sometimes I just like to remind myself that I have always been cute.  Would you like a sneak peek?

Sweet molest-ache, Ricky-poo
This is my father circa 1986.  This is also the exact same face I make everyday.  It's creepy how alike we are.  Speaking of creepy, this mustache is fucking killing me.  Good thing To Catch a Predator wasn't around back then or he'd be fuuuuuuuuucked.
Me and my momma 
Bahaha.  The 80s was great for hair.  Side note: if the quality of this picture was better you'd be able to see my boob.  You're welcome, fellas.
Worst costumes ever
This a pic of me and broseph.  Apparently my mom thought we should dress the same.  The costumes are horrible but we are the cutest pumpkins ever.
Proof I've had the 'fro since I was a youngin'
Straighteners weren't an option when I was young.  People (read: strangers) would come up to me and pull my curls.  And people wonder why I like my personal space... I was scarred as a child.
I wore my sunglasses at night.  And inside.
I've been totes legit since birth.  When I see this picture I imagine myself singing "I'ma a diva" by Be-nonce years before she even thought about the song.

I apologize for the poor quality of these gems.  Once I get my mother's scanner hooked up I will post more.

Side note:  I just went outside to give Gar-Bear my rent check and I'm fairly certain Captain Ron was out there talking to him.  I love midtown.  I love my neighbor and his super sketch friends.  I love my life.  And I love each and every one of you.

The song I chose tonight popped into my head as I was duct-taping the shop-vac.  If you never watch the videos I post, PLEASE make an exception tonight.  This video is hilarious.  Spoiler alert:  There are mullets.  There are button down muscle shirts.  There are too tight jeans.  There is awesomely bad dancing.  Basically everything I need in life.


Alethea Noble said...

I think I cracked a rib laughing so hard at the "molest-ache" That's F*cking classic!

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

Oh that is hilarious! I can just picture you hauling that huge extension cord around the house with your giant shop vac.