Friday, June 10, 2011

Sip, sip, sippin' on some sizzurp

It's Friday night and what am I doing?  Writing my obituary.  So not really but I am fairly certain that I'm dying. I've had a fever for what feels like six years {though has actually only been on and off for 24 hours}.  Every time I cough I can feel my lungs coming out of my esophagus.  And my nose is beyond raw thanks to all the stupid toilet paper I've been forced to use because my parents don't have any tissue paper.  {Side note: I don't even like wiping my ass with this toilet paper.  I've tried to instill the importance of a high quality TP but they also don't think that a high thread count in sheets is important. Was I adopted?}

I'm a lot like a man when I get sick.  I need want someone to take care of me throughout the duration of my illness.  Right now I have a stupid sinus infection and bronchitis.  Baaaaarf.  All I want is for my momma to fly home from Napa Valley {HA, yeah right} and make me a grilled cheese, pour me some ginger ale and bring me popsicles.  Since that's not going to happen, I'll have to settle for their whiney dogs staring at me and licking my face whenever I take a snooze. WAH.

Sick days have officially lost all of their appeal.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy midday naps and eating popsicles but for at LEAST the past five years I have always watched the Today Show, napped, caught up on my DVR then watched Oprah. Did you hear that Oprah quit.  Thanks bitch. But whatevs... I could have handled that BUT Meredith left too? Horrible. What is worse is her stupid replacement.  I. Hate. Ann. Curry.  This is an undeniable fact.  I don't know when it started. I don't know if I've blogged about this before.  But I do know why. She whisper talks.  She interrupts everyone she interviews and she's just dumb.  Why does NBC think she should be next to my Matty?  They won't have the witty banter because humor is completely lost on this betch.  I mean, she tries. And I think that's what makes it so fucking sad.

I must apologize if this makes me no sense. I'm surpassed my daily allotment of sizzurp and I just can't quit this shit.  I hate coughing and I like feeling like I'm tripping my balls off.  Shame. On. Me.

On a very serious note: when under the influence of sizzurp do not, I repeat DO NOT, under ANY circumstance watch ghost shows.  Right now I'm watching Ghost Adventures.  They are at Loretta Lynn's house.  That bitch creeps me out anyway.  How old is she?  Like 1000?  And she still has a slave cave?  What the fuck?  I'm literally about to have a seizure as I'm watching this.  I'm about to cry.  Have you noticed that it's only white people who do this shit? I've never seen a Samuel L Jackson looking mother fucker FOLLOWING a ghost that says he needs to kill 60?  Your ass is dumb.  Take your war songs/ dog whistle for spirits and fucking quit it.  Now you're playing like you're a Confederate soldier?  AND you tell them your friend is a Yank?  You're a real dick, ya know that.  Thanks for the nightmares.  I hate you.

3 comments:

Alethea Noble said...

Feel better soon!!

Lindsey and Rich said...

your illness sounds awful. i hope you feel better soon!

K-Dawg said...

ann curry sucks balls.