Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Back... not by popular demand.

Que paso, betches????

I would love to tell you that I've been doing incredibly important things with wildly important people these past 5 months. But I haven't. I would love to be able to tell you a hilarious story about how gnarly my life is. But I can't. {Side bar: I DO hang out with wildly important people and I'm sure I DO have a funny story or two but nothing is coming to mind at this time. Lo ciento.}  Right now all I know is that I haven't gone out in quite some time. I haven't had a drink since last Tuesday {trying to ready my liver for my impending day of birth}.  I think I'm starting to go stir crazy.

Would you like to know what has been occupying my whole being over the past few months weeks? Acquiring a baby. Yup. I said it. And I said it that way on purpose.  I do not, under any circumstance, want to get pregnant nor do I want to BE pregnant. The thought of going through child birth literally makes my throat close up. Plus I'll probably have ugly offspring... for several reasons.  The only reason you kind people need to know is that I'm not shy about saying a baby is, well, hideous. {Have no fear, I will not tell the parents of said monstrosity about it's unfortunate looks - I'm not a total demon.  I just won't say anything. Then I'll show my mom and my friends pictures of the kid and pray to the powers that be my theorhetical chillren are better looking.}  There is nothing adorable about a fresh out of the womb picture. Nothing at all. Seeing the umbilical cord makes me want to projectile vomit, straight up exorcist style.  I don't want an infant that cries all the time and you don't know why - it just cries and cries and cries.  

Here is what I want: I want a baby that can crawl, who is smart enough to use sign language to tell me what it wants, but the only two things I want in a baby - that I NEED in a baby - is for it to be a complete fat ass and 100% Asian.  I only want to keep it until it's about 5 or 6 because once they turn 7 or 8 kids tend to be huge dick heads.  I would prefer a boy, but I know...er - think?... that the Chinese - at some time - maybe now? weren't so found of girl babies so I'd take one of those if I needed to.  I'm a humanitarian, what can I say?  If I could have ANY Asian baby it would be the smoking Indonesian toddler, Ardi.  I'd have to give him a nickname while he was spending some time with me.  Maybe Godzilla?  I'm really a demented person, I'm fully aware of this.  The minute I saw this perfect little marshmallow on the Today Show I fell in love.  Here are some pictures in case you live under a rock and missed the worldwide outrage this fella caused:

Look at that face. Those CHEEEEKS.

omg. Seriously? I. Die.

So incredibly wrong. And yet, so right.
  
Moving on...  I need this Asian baby so I can roll it down a hill.  I'll pause for a minute so you can judge me............... if that's not enough time, please feel free to open another window and read something a little more P.C.  I don't know where this urge came from nor do I know when it started.  All I know is that it's been growing for quite some time.  I've even entertained the idea of borrowing one for a few hours - maybe a day or two.  {PRANK CALL, FBI.  I would never actually take a baby.  I couldn't go to prison. I would be someone's bitch in a matter of minutes and, unfortunately, orange is not my best color.}

Godzilla and I would have such a great time. The first thing I would go is take him to the top of a VERY tall mountain/hill/whatevs that would be lined with pillows and bubble wrap and other fluffy cloud-like material.  I would show him how to roll up into a perfect little ball then I'd give him a gentle nudge and watch him roll down the hill.  THEN I'd have someone else nudge him down the hill so I could watch from the bottom.  Then we'd go get him some cotton candy and a pronto pup and we'd go to Disney Land and then I'd go to the Harry Potter theme park and give Godzilla back to his parents.  Seriously?  This is like the day of my dreams.  If it were the perfect day I'd end the day by marrying some wicked rich prince of a foreign land with a beautiful accent who liked to shoot guns, love me unconditionally and let me do whatever suites my fancy all while telling me I'm not spending enough money.  But let's be rational, that'll never happen so I'll stick with just me and Godzilla.

Real quick: How in the fuuuuuck does an 18 month old get addicted to smoking? I mean, sure it's a bad habit for anyone to have, blah blah blah but I need to know who first gave him a smoke? Was he super full after drinking too much milk? Or did he just have a super stressful day and his mom said "Oh hey, Godzilla, I know what will make you feel better... have a drag of mommy's Virginia slims." And who taught him how to make smoke rings? I've been smoking on and off since I was 17 and I STILL can't figure out how to do it.

That's enough for now.  Before you completely write me off for being certifiably insane, remember I haven't been in public in social setting for a looooong time. It's ever so obvious that I need to get out of the damn house.

Now, here is a song for you to dance your sweet little asses to... a tornado is on it's way which means it's either about time for me to hide in my bath tub OR time to sit on my front porch and embrace my impending death. Shweet.

5 comments:

Cassie said...

I'm going to go ahead and take credit for your glorious, glorious return.

Lindsey and Rich said...

Yesssss, you're back. And have already made my morning a little more delightful.

Raquel said...

I missed you. Thanks for this. As a mother, I'm appalled by the smoking toddler. As a fucked up individual, I kinda want to take up smoking with him, poke his cheeks and squeeze his fat rolls.

Alethea Noble said...

I'm so happy you are back!!

Jill said...

i seriously love you!