Given my serious lack of male companionship, I've, once again, been toying with the idea of joining a dating website. Woof, I know. I've started the beginning steps several times but always get caught up on the parts where I am supposed to describe myself and my ideal mate. I'm torn between giving a charming quip dancing around my inner demons and... well, telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If I were to sign up for one of the these sites and if I were to give these strangers {emphasis on the strange?} the raw, unbridled insight into the real Shannon this is what it would read:
"I have big boobs. When I eat goldfish {which I do more often than advisable} one to three of them have been known to fall into the crevice. While it's 100% okay for me to get distracted by Tia and Tamara, it is not okay for you to be wholly consumed by their presence. A sneaking glance every now and again is completely encouraged.
My sense of humor is not unlike that of a prepubescent boy. I will make crude jokes. You can laugh at these but not too hard... which only means no harder than I do. I burp and immediately rate my own burp - be it mentally or aloud. I will forever think that fart noises are funny. Especially at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places. I cannot and should not be trusted with the fart app on my phone. Because, yes, I do have a fart app on my phone. I am amused by people that pick their nose but I will, under no circumstance, allow for you to do this in public, in the same room as me, or anywhere in my general vicinity.
My friends and I talk about poop. A lot.
While I shower very often, I don't wash my hair with any regularity. Sometimes I like to see how long I can go without doing it at all. The record this year is 5 days. It's okay if you're grossed out by this... when you realize I haven't washed my hair in a while, just look at my boobs.
I don't drink that often. Truth be told, I don't have the means to drink as often as I'd like to. I'm loud when I'm sober. Multiply my loudness 10x per alcoholic beverage. When I drink too much I can and will black out. At this point, I'll think I can dance like Michael Jackson, sing like Whitney Houston and rap like I'm a real OG. I will fall. A lot. What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm a really good time.
One of my favorite pastimes is giving nicknames. I will give nicknames to you, your friends, your family, your pets, strangers, everyone and thing. I will find it very hard to remember the person/place/thing's real name and will only refer to him/her/it by the new name. I make up words almost as often as I make up nicknames. You are expected to know the meanings of each and every word without me actually having to say it. If you are at a loss for the technical definition, apply the word to poo or an awkward sexual situation and you're going to be on the right track 9 times out of 10.
I laugh at my own jokes. I truly think I'm hilarious. I'll pretend like I don't want you around but, left to my own devices, I tend to get moderately insane.
All of this aside, I am really quite a charming lady."
I'd definitely get a boyfriend with a bio like that, right?
On that note, I'm going to share with you reason #1203209537238972983473523409890342 why I'm obsessed with my friends:
Ok, T... I think Eminem is about as cool as poo-ing your pants but since you actually DO poo your pants, this song's for you sista.
3 comments:
I loved this. And somewhere out there, is a man who will love it too.
I just hope he has all of his hair and preferably a lot of money.
It isn't blacking out. It is called Time Traveling. I remember you getting drunk at the DTD house and calling me K-Lay and explaining it was like J-Lo. I also give people nicknames. Many times they make no sense at all.
As a gal who has ventured into the world of online dating, I can tell you: 1. I love your proposed online dating profile because 2. it's pretty much almost exactly like mine, 3. rock on... do it! What do you have to lose?
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