Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A and the Inbred Ass Ninja

I have something to tell you, beautiful people.  It's a story about a boy and a girl and what a wonderfully awkward story it is but before I get down to the nitty gritty I want to share a song with you.  It's one of the most ridiculous songs I've ever heard in my life but I'm fucking obsessed AND it is crucial to my story. The lyrics I want you to really remember are below - specifically the bold.

Oh my good no exaggeration
Boy all this time was worth the waiting
I just shed a tear
I'm so unprepared
You got the finest architecture
End of the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And this all for me

The girl in this story would like to remain totally anonymous {trust me, you'll understand but I'll call her Anon} and the boy? Well, we are going to call him Slingblade.  He may or may not have been inbred and he talked... like Slingblade.  Anon met Slingblade up in Nashville during a particularly sloppy joe night and took a liking to his accent and smooshy face so she decided she was going to take him home.  The pair decided to go back to Slingblade's house which was about 20 minutes away.  Whilst in route to SB's humble abode, Anon decided to... um... service him.  Which would be fine... if Habeeb, the cab driver, was not eagerly watching in the rear view mirror.  Yup, that happened. Anon falls out of the cab but makes it safely makes it up to Slingblade's bedroom and this is where things get inappropriate.  I know what your thinking, "Falling out of a cab while going home with some strange isn't bad?  Slobbing on some knob while in mixed company isn't bad?" And the answer is a simple no.

This second part of the is where the song is very important.  Did you hear these lyrics?  If not, please remember the bolded section.  Things start getting X rated so I'll get straight to the point:  Slingblade was packing some serious heat.  Like porn star huge.  Anon said it was the only thing redeeming about him since he liked a little inbred and she couldn't understand what he was saying.  She was into how aggressive he was {because seriosuly, who wants Boyz II Men baby making sex when you're with someone you never plan on seeing again?}  But then it happened.  Slingblade put it in Anon's ass without asking.  No warning.  No head's up. Nothing.

Like I said, prior to laying the pipe in her poop shoot, he knew what he was doing.  Then he had to go and do that?  Now, fellas - if you don't know how unwelcome this is or how much this makes you want to hurl, take a time out.  Go get yourself a cucumber that matches the size of your package {in SB's case it would be more along the lines of an eggplant} and shove it in your ass.  Now imagine it being a surprise.  {I'm laughing incredibly hard right now... I hope someone actually does this.}  If you aren't willing to shove it in your own ass, please remember your manners and ask permission before sticking into the anal cavity of the chick you're lucky enough to be hooking up with.  IF she says yes, have at it.  If she says no, stay. the. fuck. away.

But I'm not done.

Things finished up.  Anon took a little nap then got up to take a shower because nothing instigates a hangover like the smell of stale cigarette smoke, day old beer and jizz.  She walks into the shower and is immediately weirded out by his clear shower curtain.  {If I haven't expressed my feelings on this subject:  I need to make it clear that nothing screams serial killer more than a clear shower curtain.}  While washing away the smells of the night before and praying that her asshole will one day forgive her, Slingblade walks in.  "Surely, he's just going pee.  Wait... he's sitting down.  Maybe he's just drunk?"  Not so lucky, my friends.  Slingblade sat down and did this:

Faces and all.  This really happened.  You cannot make this kind of shit up.  Anon peered around the gross clear shower curtain and immediately wanted to die.  Once SB leaves the shower smelling like - er... explosive diarrhea, Anon goes back to bed.  At which point SB tried to cuddle... after sticking it in Anon's ass and shitting while she is showering.  No, sir. Not gonna happen.

Anon was rescued a few hours later and be-bopped her cute little ass out but not before telling Slingblade that she was married.  Maybe to discourage any future contact from this fella?  Maybe to make him feel shame for putting his big, beautiful appendage in a place where it so clearly didn't belong?  The world may never know.


K-Dawg said...

HAHAHA this is awesome. Not awesome for your asshole. Or your nose, for that matter. But awesome none-the-less.

Big packages are totally overrated. I dated a guy once-- I think he was German? yes, very German-- and I swear to all that is holy that I wondered a few times while I was on top if I could swing my legs out behind me and hover over his body with only his wiener supporting me. It was the most painful sex experience of my life, and up until that point, my experiences were pretty limited. I can't even IMAGINE German boy putting it in my butt-- I would guess the end result would be popping immediately after I eat.

Speaking of pooping-- while that scene with Harry is probably the best scene of that entire movie, I have to ask, did you go back to bed because you were still drunk? Because I don't know if I could share a bed with another human who had exposed me to both of those things in the span of a few hours. Just sayin'. :)

Shannon said...

Well... um... "Friend A" went back to bed because she was still 100% wasted.

K-Dawg said...

haha right, sorry. I totes meant Anon.

Alethea Noble said...

LOL I can never look at an Eggplant the same way now!

Miss Sassy Pants said...


Holy shit my butthole tightened when I read this story.

Ooohhh for love of christ this sounded like a terrible nightttt.