It's your chance for a little romance or butt squeezin'

I'm not going to apologize for my lack of blog-age.  I'm blaming it on the winter.  Winter is stupid.  So I'm essentially going to hibernate it out.

Given my serious lack of male companionship, I've, once again, been toying with the idea of joining a dating website.  Woof, I know.  I've started the beginning steps several times but always get caught up on the parts where I am supposed to describe myself and my ideal mate.  I'm torn between giving a charming quip dancing around my inner demons and... well, telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  If I were to sign up for one of the these sites and if I were to give these strangers {emphasis on the strange?} the raw, unbridled insight into the real Shannon this is what it would read:

"I have big boobs. When I eat goldfish {which I do more often than advisable} one to three of them have been known to fall into the crevice. While it's 100% okay for me to get distracted by Tia and Tamara, it is not okay for you to be wholly consumed by their presence.  A sneaking glance every now and again is completely encouraged.

My sense of humor is not unlike that of a prepubescent boy.  I will make crude jokes.  You can laugh at these but not too hard... which only means no harder than I do.  I burp and immediately rate my own burp - be it mentally or aloud.  I will forever think that fart noises are funny.  Especially at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places.  I cannot and should not be trusted with the fart app on my phone.  Because, yes, I do have a fart app on my phone.  I am amused by people that pick their nose but I will, under no circumstance, allow for you to do this in public, in the same room as me, or anywhere in my general vicinity.

My friends and I talk about poop.  A lot.

While I shower very often, I don't wash my hair with any regularity.  Sometimes I like to see how long I can go without doing it at all.  The record this year is 5 days.  It's okay if you're grossed out by this... when you realize I haven't washed my hair in a while, just look at my boobs.

I don't drink that often.  Truth be told, I don't have the means to drink as often as I'd like to.  I'm loud when I'm sober.  Multiply my loudness 10x per alcoholic beverage.  When I drink too much I can and will black out.  At this point, I'll think I can dance like Michael Jackson, sing like Whitney Houston and rap like I'm a real OG.  I will fall.  A lot.  What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm a really good time.

One of my favorite pastimes is giving nicknames.  I will give nicknames to you, your friends, your family, your pets, strangers, everyone and thing.  I will find it very hard to remember the person/place/thing's real name and will only refer to him/her/it by the new name.  I make up words almost as often as I make up nicknames.  You are expected to know the meanings of each and every word without me actually having to say it.  If you are at a loss for the technical definition, apply the word to poo or an awkward sexual situation and you're going to be on the right track 9 times out of 10.

I laugh at my own jokes.  I truly think I'm hilarious.  I'll pretend like I don't want you around but, left to my own devices, I tend to get moderately insane.

All of this aside, I am really quite a charming lady."

I'd definitely get a boyfriend with a bio like that, right?

On that note, I'm going to share with you reason #1203209537238972983473523409890342 why I'm obsessed with my friends:

Ok, T... I think Eminem is about as cool as poo-ing your pants but since you actually DO poo your pants, this song's for you sista.

This time it's personal.

Today is my favorite, and coincidentally only, brother's birthday.  I decided to try and bake him something delicious.  I found a recipe for self-frosting cupcakes.  How is this possible, you ask?  Nutella.  I firmly believe that Nutella is the answer to many problems.  For all we know it could be the secret to world peace.  Alas, here is a story:

After a delicious lunch with one of my favorite pregnant, married friends, I came home and decided to tackle this seemingly easy recipe.  "Surely, if I can make cookies and frosting from scratch then I should have no problem with cupcakes," I thought to myself.  In the recipe it tells you to add 1.5tsp nutella to the top of each cupcake and stir.  Well, recipe-lady, nutella is quite thick.  How am I supposed to fold it over enough to get it throughout each cupcake without making them look like they were thrown together by a blind, one-armed bandit?  Answer: it can't be done.  I scooped each cupcake out of their original liner into new ones, popped them in the over and prayed for the best.

Twenty five minutes later I take them out and set them on the counter.  While the aroma of baked good + nutella was quite intoxicating, my bliss was short lived.  I watched each and every fucking cupcake crumble.  It looked like they were melting into themselves.  Now, before you tell me that I took them out too soon - let me assure you that I checked each one with a toothpick.  The consistency was perfect.  I have no idea what went wrong.

Back to the drawing board.

I was going to just it be and see if they tasted good anyway but then I got pissed.  I'm not good at failing.  Especially when I tried and read directions and made sure everything was perfect.  I made the same recipe.  This time I added mashed bananas and folded the rest of the nutella into the batter.  The batter is pretty tasty.

I just realized that instead of starting the timer I decided to do a little blogging.  Fingers crossed that these turn out a lot prettier than the other ones.  Pictures to come later.

Seriously. I'm not smart.

When I posted this one second ago, I thought it was my 100th post.  I don't know how to count.  Numbers are stupid. Moving on...

Here's what I've been doing.  Kind of.

Teaching myself to apply these:

Too much of this.  Way, way, way too much of this:

Which may or may not have made me do this:

3.  Which may have lead to a little bit of this.

Doing a little bit of this:

Which makes me want to do this:

And it really makes me want to do this:

I haven't been doing any of this:

And I most certainly haven't been doing any of this:

Time to do more of the latter.  Less of the former.  So far I've been 2011's bitch and I'm not a fan.  Not a fan at all.

Happy 2011, lovers.

A few things of note

1.  I got an OPI Axxium gel manicure at Nails by Nicole on poplar last Wednesday.  My nails still look perfect.  New obsession.

2.  I am wearing fake eyelashes right now.  Another new obsession.

3.  I really like ketchup.

4.  My life is so boring right now.  I am blaming it on the weather.  I'm going through a nesting period.  What that means for me?  I cook a little.  I crochet a little.  I play angry birds.  A lot.

5.  I'm finally learning how to tell time on a real watch.  No more digital for me.  Only about 20 years after most people...

6.  The more I have to do the more I procrastinate.

7.  I lose lightbulbs and socks with astounding frequency.

8.  I'm going to Smashville for New Years Eve.  I'm hoping to not lose my phone.  I've already given up on losing my morals and dignity.  It comes with the territory of excessive drinking.

9.  I work with some of the most insane people ever.  They really make me fucking laugh sometimes.  Sometimes I hate them.

10.  You need to read this girl's blog.  Click here.  She is funnier than I am.  Given how highly I think of myself {and my humor} that's saying a lot.

Shannon learns to bake, lesson 1 - the recipes

Alton Brown's Sugar Cookies

Ingredients

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 tablespoon milk
• Powdered sugar, for rolling out dough

Directions

Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside. Place butter and sugar in large bowl of electric stand mixer and beat until light in color. Add egg and milk and beat to combine. Put mixer on low speed, gradually add flour, and beat until mixture pulls away from the side of the bowl. Divide the dough in half, wrap in waxed paper, and refrigerate for 2 hours.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Sprinkle surface where you will roll out dough with powdered sugar. Remove 1 wrapped pack of dough from refrigerator at a time, sprinkle rolling pin with powdered sugar, and roll out dough to 1/4-inch thick. Move the dough around and check underneath frequently to make sure it is not sticking. If dough has warmed during rolling, place cold cookie sheet on top for 10 minutes to chill. Cut into desired shape, place at least 1-inch apart on greased baking sheet, parchment, or silicone baking mat, and bake for 7 to 9 minutes or until cookies are just beginning to turn brown around the edges, rotating cookie sheet halfway through baking time. Let sit on baking sheet for 2 minutes after removal from oven and then move to complete cooling on wire rack. Serve as is or ice as desired. Store in airtight container for up to one week

{Note:  I have no idea what it means when the mixture is supposed to pull away from the side of the bowl.  Mine may have done that?  I dooon't know.}

Royal Icing

Ingredients

• 3 ounces pasteurized egg whites
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 4 cups confectioners' sugar

Directions

In large bowl of stand mixer combine the egg whites and vanilla and beat until frothy. Add confectioners' sugar gradually and mix on low speed until sugar is incorporated and mixture is shiny. Turn speed up to high and beat until mixture forms stiff, glossy peaks. This should take approximately 5 to 7 minutes. Add food coloring, if desired. For immediate use, transfer icing to pastry bag or heavy duty storage bag and pipe as desired. If using storage bag, clip corner. Store in airtight container in refrigerator for up to 3 days

{Note:  Who in the fuck knows what 3 ounces of egg whites looks like?  Not this girl.  I googled a few more recipes and most of them said 4 egg whites.  And I probably had the best time ever doing this part.  Egg whites are fun.}

Shannon learns to bake, lesson 1 - the photos

The list.  Naturally I forgot something.  The rolling pin.

So many choices.

Even MORE choices

Dear baking powder, where ARRRRRE you?

Oh, hidden on the top shelf.  That's cool.

The shiz

Doesn't it just look cute and Amish?

Sifted shiz

My new power tool

This thing is fucking out of control.  The "low" option has the mixing power of a hemi.  I don't really know if that's a lot but the commercials sure do make it seem like it is.

Dough balls.

So... the dough seemed really crumbly.  I hope this is ok?

Royal Icing

Oh, baking.  You are a messy hobby.  My kitchen is a disaster thanks to my ridiculous mixer.  I have about 30 more minutes until I can start baking some cookies.  The whole waiting 2 hours for the dough to chill is boring.  Slash I don't know why I have to put it in the fridge.

dun dun duuuuun.

This may be my last post ever.

Before you freak out and wonder how your life will go on, let me tell you I have no plans on stopping  but if I blow my arms off and/or burn my house down after this weekend it will be a little hard to continue.

I've decided to bake this weekend.  I've decided that my cooking skills are to be put on hold while I attempt to join the ranks of holiday bakers world wide.  I'm going to be making sugar cookies decorated with royal icing.  From scratch.  All of it.  Alton Brown listed these recipes as "easy" and if he lied he may or may not be getting a strongly worded letter.  {Again, this all depends on whether or not I blow my arms off.}

I be-bopped across the street to Bed, Bath and Beyond for a hand mixer.  There were about a thousand.  I chose the cheapest one because, amongst other things, I have a sneaking suspicion that this contraption will be used this weekend and this weekend only.  I also bought a sifter.  It's fucking adorable and I kind of felt Amish while I was testing it in line.  I have no idea why I felt this way.  I also got a strong urge to churn butter.  One step at a time, Shannon, one step at a time.  After work, I went to Kroger and headed straight to the baking isle.  It was a foreign land to me.  A few things I learned:
1.  Baking powder and baking soda are NOT the same.
2.  There are a lot of different choices.  For everything.  Flour and sugar included.
3.  While my mom enjoys helping me make the distinction between all these items, I think she likes making fun of me at the same time.

While I type this post and when I'm cleaning my kitchen to prepare it for the onslaught of yumminess that will be taking place in a matter of hours, I decided to watch the foodnetwork to get in the mood.  Mistake.  Rachel Ray is on.  She's really annoying.  R - squared has a tendency to do the Ann Curry whisper/raspy voice that I'm not too fond of.  Plus she says really stupid shit.  Like this stuff is so stupid that I will judge the hell out of you if you even crack a smile at her jokes.  Example:  RR threw some salt over her shoulder for luck and said:  "Why does pepper never get thrown over your shoulder.  Poor pepper, I bet he feels left out."  You, sir, are an idiot.

Time to focus.  And decorate for Christmas.  And do Christmas cards.  Yes, it's December 17th and I haven't started any of this.  OR Christmas shopping.  Something tells me I will regret this decision tomorrow.  Stay tuned for pictures.  Don't worry, I have 911 on speed dial.  Hopefully, if things DO take a turn for the worst, some of these fellas will come to my rescue.